Nov 28 2015

Just some random thoughts:

I wonder if I will get out of this funk.  The holiday season is here and I am struggling. I am grieving for my grandpa, who was like a second dad to me.  That pain is coming from deep within me.  At the same time, I feel I need to make this holiday great to make up for his absence... for my kids who will only live at home for possibly 3 more Christmases (counting this one).  I feel the need but don't have the motivation or energy to even get started.    I need to be thankful I still have my health and that I am able to bake, decorate, shop, etc.... I think of friends older and younger who are ill, undergoing treatments, or who have passed away leaving their families to carry on without them.  I want to enjoy the family I have left knowing that death could come for anyone at any time.   This could be any one of our last Christmases..... I hate to be morbid...but death has been a very real part of my life ever since I lost my mom in 1999.  I was 30,  she was 48.  I am now 46 and I think about it a lot.... what if I only have 2 more years.... I long to be with my savior in heaven, that much is true.  But I have a lot to do here....My kids need me.... etc...    I guess the Lord knows best and whatever happens happens.  "His ways are higher then my ways"  I always say.   

I worry about family members....my dad, my brother, ..... salvation of some of our family members too.... and for my immediate family...are we always putting Christ first...He should be... what kind of example am I setting for this?  

Music is my life....but this season stresses me out too.   Choir Christmas Cantata..... stressful!  Chanticleer...3 concerts...stressful!   Taking school students to perform and school christmas program...stressful!!!!     I am maxed out with responsibility!     and I will be glad when it is over!  

Everyone battles things within themselves.   I think that happens no matter how old ya get.  I struggle with lots of things.... I always think so deeply... then when I get in front of a screen to type my thoughts or a journal's blank page to write, I ask "Now what was I thinking about"   haha.....    I need a voice recorder so I can capture those thoughts while they are happening cause my memory fails me often. 

Pray often.... trust in Jesus Christ.... no matter what things you face He is the rock you need to stand on!